I understand the urge to tell another person, for whom you have feelings, of the truth you have kept to yourself. The intensity you’ve been feeling finally seems free to share, and you just can’t help yourself from having one too many bourbons and confessing. I wonder if you thought about WHY you felt so impatient to share the news. Did you think about what your declaration would do?
When you are going through a time – maybe the most difficult you’ve faced – in which you need to focus solely on yourself and your own healing, why bring someone else into your mess?
Do you consider only yourself and your need for validation? Do you take into account that everyone has their own suitcase full of feelings and that using your vulnerability as the key to someone’s heart is cheap? It’s thoughtless.
If your confessed feelings only stay long enough to experience the reaction of another – why put them to words? Your feelings aren’t real feelings, they are impulses and needs. Needs are selfish. Just like you are swimming in your own pool of selfishness caused by pain. While in your pain, everyone else is in their own. Many of us manage to maintain common kindnesses. I hope you regain that outward looking and aware character trait – kindness – in the future.
The selfishness of your need is monstrous. You can’t control it, and no one expects that of you. To tether another to your monstrous need, though, is shameful. Are you too new to your pain to realize what it’s made of you? Are you unable to fight it back alone? Unwilling partners in fighting pain that isn’t theirs do not feel vindicated, and always feel used.
You said you’d always had feelings for me, but once validated felt it necessary – acceptable even – to walk away. I have to wonder: why did you ever say it? Why couldn’t you help yourself? It wasn’t out of favor for me, and I wonder what those “feelings” were all along. Now I assume they were trivial and contemptible at best.
We disparage reason.
But all the time it’s what we’re most concerned with.
There’s will as motor and there’s will as brakes.
Reason is, I suppose, the steering gear.
– Robert Frost
What was your reason? Have you even paused to consider it?
Words have meaning. Actions mean more. What you do and what you say is exactly who you are.