Hesitation. The moment of insecurity between taking action and waiting a second. An introvert at my core, I feel myself hesitating often. It’s that feeling of not trusting myself fully to have worked out all of the details, or to prevent myself from making a mistake. But, when it comes down to it, who cares?
I wish I could just be myself more often. No hesitation. But who is she?
This is my place to put words to my thoughts, experiences, struggles and triumphs. I’ve let myself hesitate too long. It’s been almost a month since I last wrote, and it only hurts me. Writing helps me understand the world – not to mention myself – on my own terms. That I share it here I suppose is a risk. And misunderstandings happen. A hesitation to write as a result should not.
It cuts to one nerve when I’m judged for an idea or argument; an entirely other and much more sensitive nerve when I’m criticized for who I am. Especially when in many ways I still feel so unknown to even myself.
Are you really who you are if no one else knows? And better yet, can you truly like who you are if you are afraid to show yourself – truly – to those around you? To those you love?
I believe that the greatest trust we can put in another person is to show ourselves fully with the true desire to be seen. To be known. How free would that feel?
I am one who was trained very young to pack my personality up into the smallest box possible. To not offend the easily offended. To be proud to be a people pleaser. To live small and comfortably, and quietly. This was my training.
Well, what I know now because I’m still learning it is that it’s just not worth it to try to become something that isn’t you. The effort alone is crushing, and when it isn’t genuine, it becomes debilitating. But we can learn things about ourselves when we sit still enough to listen. Maybe we write about it. Maybe just take a few brief, brave moments to really feel what we’re feeling. And what I’m feeling lately is that it’s time to be okay with who I am. It’s time to let myself be known.