“Be specific with your dreams, your goals, your prayers. God can’t bring you what you didn’t ask for.” Joel Osteen
So, what do you want?
Recently, I’ve spent a lot of time defining my own answers because I’ve been wanting to ask the same question of others. For me, it can be tough to put into words exactly what I want out of life because often I feel like the choices in front of me to be a minefield. Like when I choose to want something, it will blow up in my face; or at best, be proven unwise given the unsettled nature of my existence. Well, honestly: I’m single and not that great at dating, childless, with a good job but unclear career path, and pretty uncertain I’m even living in the city in which I want.
Given all that, it’s tempting for me to sometimes choose someone else’s dreams and fight like hell to mold myself to fit inside them. And it’s then that I start convincing myself that I don’t really want what I think I want; that my unsettled life can present the flexibility I need to be happy in someone else’s future. But that’s bullshit, and I can feel it in the way my blood pressure rises when the thought crosses my consciousness.
Because I’ve done all of that before. I have chosen the exciting answer that presented itself in the hopes that though the difficulty I might experience love. I trusted someone else with my heart instead of trusting myself to protect it. Spoiler: it doesn’t work. I can’t say I have ever spent much time evaluating what I truly want out of my own life, and I do believe that the intentions in our minds are reflected back to us in some form or another.
So… what do I want?
I want to feel connected. I want to contribute kindess and compassion to the world around me. I want my family to know I love them, even when I need a lengthy time period of personal space apart.
I cherish the freedom and irresponsibility that my life currently allows, but in my heart I know I want to have a family of my own.
I want to fall in love with someone who will be my best friend, life partner, and source of kindness, passion and unstoppable support.
I want to write. I want to create. I want to find success on my own rather than at the other end of a predictable paycheck and 401K.
More, though, I want to live a life worth writing about.
In an effort to give back, I want to write to the little girl I sponsor in Tanzania. This relationship smacks me in the face with my privilege regularly, and it’s good for my soul.
I want to keep helping others.
I want to care enough about myself to set boundaries with people and commitments.