Posted in My Unsettled Heart

What Do You Want?

“Be specific with your dreams, your goals, your prayers. God can’t bring you what you didn’t ask for.” Joel Osteen

So, what do you want?

Recently, I’ve spent a lot of time defining my own answers because I’ve been wanting to ask the same question of others. For me, it can be tough to put into words exactly what I want out of life because often I feel like the choices in front of me to be a minefield. Like when I choose to want something, it will blow up in my face; or at best, be proven unwise given the unsettled nature of my existence. Well, honestly: I’m single and not that great at dating, childless, with a good job but unclear career path, and pretty uncertain I’m even living in the city in which I want.

Given all that, it’s tempting for me to sometimes choose someone else’s dreams and fight like hell to mold myself to fit inside them. And it’s then that I start convincing myself that I don’t really want what I think I want; that my unsettled life can present the flexibility I need to be happy in someone else’s future. But that’s bullshit, and I can feel it in the way my blood pressure rises when the thought crosses my consciousness.

Because I’ve done all of that before. I have chosen the exciting answer that presented itself in the hopes that though the difficulty I might experience love. I trusted someone else with my heart instead of trusting myself to protect it. Spoiler: it doesn’t work. I can’t say I have ever spent much time evaluating what I truly want out of my own life, and I do believe that the intentions in our minds are reflected back to us in some form or another.

So… what do I want?

I want to feel connected. I want to contribute kindess and compassion to the world around me. I want my family to know I love them, even when I need a lengthy time period of personal space apart.

I cherish the freedom and irresponsibility that my life currently allows, but in my heart I know I want to have a family of my own.

I want to fall in love with someone who will be my best friend, life partner, and source of kindness, passion and unstoppable support.

I want to write. I want to create. I want to find success on my own rather than at the other end of a predictable paycheck and 401K.

More, though, I want to live a life worth writing about.

In an effort to give back, I want to write to the little girl I sponsor in Tanzania. This relationship smacks me in the face with my privilege regularly, and it’s good for my soul.

I want to keep helping others.

I want to care enough about myself to set boundaries with people and commitments.

What do you want?


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