Posted in My Unsettled Heart, Trial and Error

it is then that it becomes clear

I’m dedicated to my quest to become a better, more true version of me, each day. I don’t want to change who I am, but I’d certainly like to be a little bit better person every day. *Cue Fiona Apple’s Better Version of Me here.*

Most notably, I want to be the gracious and empathetic person that I know I was born to be. It’s proven in my strengths finder results… I mean, supposedly I’m a number one empathizer!

But sometimes people disappoint me. And when they have disappointed me, I haven’t always shown them grace or kindness. This is an area in which I would like to grow. But I have decided recently that I will not continue to beat myself up for cutting people out of my life.

It is possible to be kind and empathetic

while still remaining strong enough

to know when people do not belong in your life. 

It has been a rough road for me in my understanding that I can’t control anyone but myself. I’m not a controlling person, but aren’t there times in which a friend or partner has acted in a way that you wish you could change, or at least call into question and allow them to see the error of their ways? It would be nice if we never had to tell anyone “Thanks, but no thanks. You’re not good for me.” Or my typical response… “I don’t need this.” Or… “F@(% off!”

Aren’t there times when the betrayal of an old friend with whom you’ve shared crazy irresponsible times who decides to tell your current love about your past transgressions push you towards the brink?

Or what about when a love puts everyone – even near strangers – above you? At that moment you want to shake them, to angrily shout and defend your love for them to convince them they are wrong. But what good would that really do?

When someone makes you feel small. When you are made to feel less than in order to remain dependent. When a supposed close friend responds to your latest date with the request that if things don’t work out, that she have permission to take a chance. When a separation of property leaves one party with two George Foreman grills and one party with zero… BUT with two forks, one spoon and one knife in the utensil drawer!

It is then that it becomes clear. Sometimes people just have to go.

And it is not my fault. No amount of grace or empathy will make it okay.



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