Posted in Finding My Own Brand of Success, My Unsettled Heart, Trial and Error

Having it all together: myth or delusion?

Not so long ago, I was accused of giving the impression that I have my *shit* together. My first instinct was to scoff at this person’s blatant disregard for reality, but instead I was grateful. We all know that our inner voices are likely less than kind, likely a lot of the time. Mine has been an outright fiery bitch at times, but I’m constantly and consistently working on taming her flame-throwing tongue.

Oh sure, I’ve lived through a few things that have given justification for some criticism laced with sharp-witted verbal abuse. In my quest to quiet the monstrous voice in my head, I can honestly say that my mistakes – my learning experiences – while at one time were something for which I was ashamed, are just part of the process. Living through this list of what-felt-like-shit-whilst-living-it has allowed me to gather [albeit only somewhat] my *shit*:

  • Planning a wedding at 22. Looking back, I understand now that it is not my destiny to live the rest of my life with an “our song” as Amazing by Lonestar. I didn’t know this 9 years ago. No. I. Did. Not.
  • Not walking out and leaving him my damn self. {An action that would have only taken me one try, for this I am confident. As it stands, it took him a few practice rounds… and a whole lot of heartache as a result.}
  • Allowing Not avoiding financial ruin through a divorce and my stubborn decision to stay in a city he led me to, and a city that I could not afford to stay, if I had been honest with myself.
  • Believing him when he told me what was “wrong” was, in fact, me.
  • Rebounding to someone new – and someone worse for me – before neither my head nor my heart were ready.
  • Lying – even when it’s never been something I’ve been particularly good at. Lying to get out of bad situations. Lying to avoid hardship. Lying to myself that I was happy and that I didn’t need other people. Lying to others to decrease my suffering.
  • Tolerating so, so many fights with a variety of people, when in the end, the fighting only masked the realities of wrong relationships and prolonged the inevitability of a broken heart and the need to move. Again.

{* |  So, if my shit is together, it is because I have earned it.  | *}

I lived life – making the best decisions I knew how to make at the time in which I made them – to get to where I am… a place I am proud to be. I’m where I don’t feel like my shit is quite together yet, but it makes me smile to know that I’ve got a few people fooled.

When I was younger, I think I believed that if I made what I thought to be the “right decisions,” then I would actually have it together. I could be grown up if I could be wise. So, before I’d gained wisdom of any sort, I tried to predict what the “right decisions” were, and act from there.

Shortly after my separation, I found myself sitting in my 100% empty living room {he took everything with him} studying my wedding album. I wasn’t reliving memories so much as searching my own face. I was looking as deeply into my own expressions in those two dimensional photos to figure out – to *remember* in a way – what I was thinking that day. What made me walk down that aisle. Because it was clearly not because I was walking toward a man with whom I was madly in love. Madly.

The answer I found was this: I thought I was making the right decision.

Now and forevermore, for me, having my shit together will mean that I am following my own heart. Regardless of how painful, how full of fireworks, or how impulsive it might be… I have learned that my heart has secrets that it does not always freely share with my head. And those secrets – they are the answers.

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