Posted in My Unsettled Heart

I’m Glad I’m Not in Peru

I’m not happy that I’m not in Peru because I never want to visit, ever. It’s just that if I were on my way home from Peru today, I’d be in a different and difficult position, and because I’m not, I’m grateful. So, so grateful.

I’m thankful that I no longer need to prove what I’m worth, and in the process consistently come up short when challenged with a doubtful gaze.

I’m happy that my family has a relationship built simply on love and commitment. Ours is not nearly one of perfection, but the relationships I have with the members of my family are definitely not built on the foundation of one-up-man-ship or a need for adventure to give us something to talk about. 

And most of all, I am so glad that I didn’t sacrifice the promises I’ve made to myself to never change who I am for someone else. The trip to Peru in and of itself would have been a disingenuous adventure for me to pursue at this point, but the relationship in which the trip would have been embedded would have been a bigger threat with which to have chained myself. 

Life is too short to be experienced within the confines of someone else’s box. I’ve been in a similar box before, and I couldn’t hack it for long. I abandoned it with a few relics like the good silver and a peppercorn grinder, but I moved on to bigger, brighter pastures that aren’t based on perceived perfection in order to impress, but on the gracious welcome of a genuine connection.
Good decision making is still not a skill that I boast. But having not received the vaccinations and made the travel arrangements and financial commitment necessary to travel to Peru with someone who doesn’t love me now – and probably never did – ranks right up there with one of my most bright shining best decisions.

** Plus, Lord knows I had a panic attack on the steps of the Great Wall of China. Had I gone, I likely would have had to reside at the top of Machu Picchu for the rest of my life. **

 

 

 

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