My small town obsession has become my entire family’s

One thing that the Flood of 2011 taught me was to appreciate some beautiful parts of the Midwest that I had no idea even existed.

Typically, I-29 suits me just fine, but earlier this month, that roadway was mostly under water. Thus, I adventured. On nearly entirely 2-lane highways. And it was an adventure, indeed.

On my way back to Kansas, I drove through Peterson, Iowa. And pretty much fell in love. I’m now obsessed. With a town with less than 400 inhabitants. And that sounds just about perfect to me.

But just tell me you wouldn’t be too. They’ve got a Farm Machinery Museum.

All photos and information were borrowed for your viewing pleasure {and mine!} from http://petersonhistory.org/.

 

p.s. My Dad has even picked up a business card of one of the town’s realtors. My parents are kind of funny.

 

p.p.s. If you know me and know of my bad luck with this town’s unfortunate name {it’s a blast from a mostly unhappy past for me}, please disregard it. This dream hometown of mine deserves a fresh start. And so do I.

it is then that it becomes clear

I’m dedicated to my quest to become a better, more true version of me, each day. I don’t want to change who I am, but I’d certainly like to be a little bit better person every day. *Cue Fiona Apple’s Better Version of Me here.*

Most notably, I want to be the gracious and empathetic person that I know I was born to be. It’s proven in my strengths finder results… I mean, supposedly I’m a number one empathizer!

But sometimes people disappoint me. And when they have disappointed me, I haven’t always shown them grace or kindness. This is an area in which I would like to grow. But I have decided recently that I will not continue to beat myself up for cutting people out of my life.

It is possible to be kind and empathetic

while still remaining strong enough

to know when people do not belong in your life. 

It has been a rough road for me in my understanding that I can’t control anyone but myself. I’m not a controlling person, but aren’t there times in which a friend or partner has acted in a way that you wish you could change, or at least call into question and allow them to see the error of their ways? It would be nice if we never had to tell anyone “Thanks, but no thanks. You’re not good for me.” Or my typical response… “I don’t need this.” Or… “F@(% off!”

Aren’t there times when the betrayal of an old friend with whom you’ve shared crazy irresponsible times who decides to tell your current love about your past transgressions push you towards the brink?

Or what about when a love puts everyone – even near strangers – above you? At that moment you want to shake them, to angrily shout and defend your love for them to convince them they are wrong. But what good would that really do?

When someone makes you feel small. When you are made to feel less than in order to remain dependent. When a supposed close friend responds to your latest date with the request that if things don’t work out, that she have permission to take a chance. When a separation of property leaves one party with two George Foreman grills and one party with zero… BUT with two forks, one spoon and one knife in the utensil drawer!

It is then that it becomes clear. Sometimes people just have to go.

And it is not my fault. No amount of grace or empathy will make it okay.

 

Having it all together: myth or delusion?

Not so long ago, I was accused of giving the impression that I have my *shit* together. My first instinct was to scoff at this person’s blatant disregard for reality, but instead I was grateful. We all know that our inner voices are likely less than kind, likely a lot of the time. Mine has been an outright fiery bitch at times, but I’m constantly and consistently working on taming her flame-throwing tongue.

Oh sure, I’ve lived through a few things that have given justification for some criticism laced with sharp-witted verbal abuse. In my quest to quiet the monstrous voice in my head, I can honestly say that my mistakes – my learning experiences – while at one time were something for which I was ashamed, are just part of the process. Living through this list of what-felt-like-shit-whilst-living-it has allowed me to gather [albeit only somewhat] my *shit*:

• Planning a wedding at 22. Looking back, I understand now that it is not my destiny to live the rest of my life with an “our song” as Amazing by Lonestar. I didn’t know this 9 years ago. No. I. Did. Not.
• Not walking out and leaving him my damn self. {An action that would have only taken me one try, for this I am confident. As it stands, it took him a few practice rounds… and a whole lot of heartache as a result.}
• Allowing Not avoiding financial ruin through a divorce and my stubborn decision to stay in a city he led me to, and a city that I could not afford to stay, if I had been honest with myself.
• Believing him when he told me what was “wrong” was, in fact, me.
• Rebounding to someone new – and someone worse for me – before neither my head nor my heart were ready.
• Lying – even when it’s never been something I’ve been particularly good at. Lying to get out of bad situations. Lying to avoid hardship. Lying to myself that I was happy and that I didn’t need other people. Lying to others to decrease my suffering.
• Tolerating so, so many fights with a variety of people, when in the end, the fighting only masked the realities of wrong relationships and prolonged the inevitability of a broken heart and the need to move. Again.

{* |  So, if my shit is together, it is because I have earned it.  | *}

I lived life – making the best decisions I knew how to make at the time in which I made them – to get to where I am… a place I am proud to be. I’m where I don’t feel like my shit is quite together yet, but it makes me smile to know that I’ve got a few people fooled.

When I was younger, I think I believed that if I made what I thought to be the “right decisions,” then I would actually have it together. I could be grown up if I could be wise. So, before I’d gained wisdom of any sort, I tried to predict what the “right decisions” were, and act from there.

Shortly after my separation, I found myself sitting in my 100% empty living room {he took everything with him} studying my wedding album. I wasn’t reliving memories so much as searching my own face. I was looking as deeply into my own expressions in those two dimensional photos to figure out – to *remember* in a way – what I was thinking that day. What made me walk down that aisle. Because it was clearly not because I was walking toward a man with whom I was madly in love. Madly.

The answer I found was this: I thought I was making the right decision.

Now and forevermore, for me, having my shit together will mean that I am following my own heart. Regardless of how painful, how full of fireworks, or how impulsive it might be… I have learned that my heart has secrets that it does not always freely share with my head. And those secrets – they are the answers.

I’m Glad I’m Not in Peru

I’m not happy that I’m not in Peru because I never want to visit, ever. It’s just that if I were on my way home from Peru today, I’d be in a different and difficult position, and because I’m not, I’m grateful. So, so grateful.

I’m thankful that I no longer need to prove what I’m worth, and in the process consistently come up short when challenged with a doubtful gaze.

I’m happy that my family has a relationship built simply on love and commitment. Ours is not nearly one of perfection, but the relationships I have with the members of my family are definitely not built on the foundation of one-up-man-ship or a need for adventure to give us something to talk about. 

And most of all, I am so glad that I didn’t sacrifice the promises I’ve made to myself to never change who I am for someone else. The trip to Peru in and of itself would have been a disingenuous adventure for me to pursue at this point, but the relationship in which the trip would have been embedded would have been a bigger threat with which to have chained myself. 

Life is too short to be experienced within the confines of someone else’s box. I’ve been in a similar box before, and I couldn’t hack it for long. I abandoned it with a few relics like the good silver and a peppercorn grinder, but I moved on to bigger, brighter pastures that aren’t based on perceived perfection in order to impress, but on the gracious welcome of a genuine connection.
Good decision making is still not a skill that I boast. But having not received the vaccinations and made the travel arrangements and financial commitment necessary to travel to Peru with someone who doesn’t love me now – and probably never did – ranks right up there with one of my most bright shining best decisions.

** Plus, Lord knows I had a panic attack on the steps of the Great Wall of China. Had I gone, I likely would have had to reside at the top of Machu Picchu for the rest of my life. **

 

 

 

I’ve got to let it go… and you probably should too

For over a week, I was a lazy blogger, and then life happened that was filled with so much tragedy for so many and I was consumed and empathized as a result… and telling stories about my starter marriage seemed trite and silly. And my blog has suffered. 

But people are suffering right now. BUT people are ALWAYS suffering. Right now, it just happens to be nearby from storms that could have just as easily torn my life apart as anyone else’s in the Midwest.

And as the stories of recent devastation get a little less frequent and life gets back to “normal,” I find myself settling into old routines and social pressures. Those that make me question statements I make and opinions I have, and I find myself afraid that I’ve offended someone. But really… what does it really matter?

We all speak about topics that we do not know much about. We put ourselves in positions for which we’ve never been and hypothesize about what WE would do… you know, the “right” decision. But what’s life without finding out that you yourself are a little bit silly once in awhile? What does it really matter if you’re proven wrong or questioned about an opinion?

I’d like to think that we’re all trying to be the best people we can be. And to achieve greatness, learning experiences and mistakes are necessary for our foundations. I find myself beating myself up for missteps frequently. I worry that someone might think twice about a thoughtless comment. I analyze and over-analyze conversations and intentions and meanings and the relationships themselves as a result.

But I’m going to do my damnedest to cut myself a break from now on. Life is too uncertain to waste the minutes worrying about what someone just MIGHT be thinking about a stray statement that bears no truth as to who I am or what I believe. When I speak, and when you speak, we show others our hearts, our beliefs and our souls. Our hearts are imperfect and to show imperfection is to only display authenticity to who we are and to our journey towards who we are to become.

What I know is that I’m doing my best. And I trust that you are too. Let’s cut one another a break. But more importantly, let’s stop beating ourselves up. 

And entertaining stories about my starter marriage will continue. I’ve got a few queued up and ready to share. I hope I’m ready! But if it’s all a mistake… well, I’m ready for it.

MBA? Maybe not…

Ever read something related to an interest or future goal that you thought might be made for you that makes you wonder why you ever thought you were cut out for such a venture in the first place? I’ve got to admit, this happens to me a lot.

I try to steel myself against reading something that simply makes a previously considered goal look  challenging from keeping me from continuing to strive for it. I mean, I’m up for a challenge, right? But I feel like it’s a whole different animal when I discover a piece of what I once held as a possibility for my future lies completely and utterly outside of my personality limits.

I’m being vague because I believe that this concept  applies to a wide variety of situations {which it does, no doubt, for me regularly}, but to be more specific, I’ve been considering earning an MBA for a little while now. I’ve studied for the GMAT, researched study focuses and generally thought I could cut it while genuinely getting excited about being back in school. I do love me some school.

Then I read this blog post, and realized I didn’t want anything to do with anything even remotely close to a competition like that. It seemed so serious, so corporately competitive and I am not cut from the kind of fabric that makes people who enjoy such things. For those who are committed to their business cause, I’m sure the opportunity to compete in such an elite competition with such high-level global competition is exciting. It simply gives me a slight panic attack.

Well, at least this helps me narrow my focus a bit. And my search continues…

Work in Progress: WTF are my Big Dreams Anyway?

You have no idea how many drafts I have saved… I’m not ignoring you, dear blog, I promise!

I’m working on so many things right now… you know: growing, discovering my true dreams and career aspirations, still wondering if I’m on the right path to true “discovery,” etc. Ugh… all of this figuring myself out crap is pretty damn exhausting. And to keep a long story short {for now, because you know I’ll share more!} I’m currently stuck – really, really stuck – at defining my top six most vital big dreams. Basically, what the fuck I actually want out of this crazy life. Seriously, I can come up with thousands of things I want, but to have the pressure to define the top 6?!? Forget it. I’m paralyzed.

I’m probably paralyzed by the same internal dialogue that has kept me from feeling truly connected to my life for the past six years, right? Exactly. And, so that leads me to this question: what if in all this discovery, I figure out I’m way more screwed up than I thought?

{That’s a joke. I’m really learning a lot!}

Alone is not Lonely

I recently stumbled across the following quote from Carl Jung:

“Loneliness does not come from being alone, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important.”

This one totally spoke to me because the only time I don’t love being alone is when I have something hilarious or devastating to share… and of course when there are cocktails and stories to be shared among friends.

Time Becomes an Issue… you know, when you’re sifting through obsessions

Do you ever feel like me – like the week and especially the weekends just get away from you? Like you never have quite enough time to start everything you wanted to accomplish… and as for the the finishing, well that’s another story!

{Remember Gussy Sews? She wrote a post about time management today too.}

And things seem even worse now that I’m on a mission to figure it all out. While I’m trying to find my favorite obsession {or two} to pour myself into, time management on its own is becoming a time suck.

So instead of logging hours at my sewing machine, I’m asking questions like: How many to-do lists is too many? What if I use one day planner for budgeting, Google Calendar for personal appointments and Outlook for work? How do I manage all of the distracting pop-up “friendly reminders?” And how the HECK am I supposed to get anything done when season 4 of Alias is so damn addictive?

Last night, I conquered the first step. I didn’t even turn my TV {Alias} on until I had run my creativity and drive down to nothingness. At 11:30, Alias came on to lull me into sleep – yeah right! I was so proud of myself!

On a related note: Britney Spears is oddly motivating when combined with a sewing machine and enough wound bobbins to last an entire evening.

OF COURSE anything is possible… you just can’t do it all at once

I have always been someone with a lot of passions – or at least things that I wanted to try to be good at. And it seems like as I get older, my interests only grow in number. However, with all of these passions floating around in my head, it’s hard to focus. I am at the point in my life in which I want to start chasing a dream… a REAL dream, which {unfortunately} is more than simply a paycheck.

I know I’m not alone here. There are lots of resources and a John Mayer song referencing a quarter-life crisis. Granted, I’m past 25, but I’m in a place in which I want to find a bigger meaning and purpose. Sure, a job is great, but a dream is what I want to be living.

So I’ve started some projects to help me evaluate and shake up the things I think I love until only a few rise to the top.

{* If you are interested in starting this process for yourself, I’d like to introduce you to Molly and Kate for starters. *}

One of the first steps in my work is daily journaling, which is pretty new to me despite my love of writing. And sometimes I’ll take a glance at my daily prompt and think “there’s nothing to THAT… what might that possibly tell me that will help me find ME?” And once I get started writing and thinking and writing some more, my perspective has completely shifted. It’s weird. But oh-so-obviously EXACTLY what I need at this point in the ballgame.

So anyway, while I’ve been busy thinking and sifting, I’ve also been caving in to my numerous passions. And I’m sifting because I know that one person can’t do it all at once, but that the shine from a passion should not be hidden and thus wasted. So, I’m giving some things a shot, and my other passions may stick around too… just a little more in the background.

Sewing has taken a head-first dive into my list of passions, and I’ve dreamed about creating things that I’m proud of, and things that other people might actually spend money on, that I’m finally just going for it. And I’m privileged to be able to “go for it” with my sister. And I can’t wait to share some of our own stuff, but for now, here are a few of my favorite sites for inspiration!

• Gussy Sews
• Crap I’ve Made
• Katie Henry Likes to Sew

When I read about sewing, I daydream about learning how to do it well enough to make clothes a la Project Runway. Or to open a consignment store in which I could adapt clothes to be more stylish or provide a custom fit. I fantasize about all the baby quilts I could make for all of the friends having little ones, or the awesome pillows I could make for my own bed. Ah… see why the sifting is a necessity? I lose focus way too easily!

Oh, and cooking is still ranking right up there on the passion list. Oh, how I’d love to own a catering company someday! Or a bed and breakfast where I’d have a houseful of new people every weekend as guinea pigs for my latest recipe! I wish I had links to the awesome chicken Thai soup I made last week, or of course the Irish car bomb cupcakes that were as exquisite as they sound. But here are some of my recent foodie finds too:

• How Sweet it Is
• Food Buzz – which will take you to recipes that are pure gold!

And, I’d love to run a pet boarding business where my multiple rescue dogs could roam and befriend all of the guests! And what about writing that book? And, since my camera recently bit the dust, why not invest in a DSLR and take a class or something? And I’d sure better keep running because I just signed up for THIS! How about a garden? Don’t I want to grow my own herbs and tomatoes again this year? What about the little evergreens that could be planted in pots to flank my front door? {I’ve always had a thing for those tiny evergreens!}

Whoa… talk about needing some direction, eh? Well, at least I’m not boring! Overwhelming? Sure. Boring? Not a chance.